Whose i am i drop to my knees with head bowed i am overwhelmed by my shame and guilt Nowhere to go and nowhere to hide
My soul singed with failure, my tears wet the ground Covered with ashes of regret, lost hopes, and abandoned dreams Bowed, muted, and numb, i am overwhelmed by defeat
My soul striped with scars and open wounds i long for the oblivion of death to lose this burdening need This incessant need to escape this harsh and cruel reality
Mocked by my useless endeavors to coat my agonized soul My soul constantly raw and abraded by believing i am unloved and unseen Reaching out again desperately for my heart to feel anything but this endless pain
Make it go away, i plead, make it go away Striving for peace that is seemingly beyond my reach My hands outstretched to be touched and held
My fragile house of cards collapses My sins exposed and my pride laid bare My secrets revealed with the underlaying lies
Longing for darkness and yearning for refuge i cling to the disentegrating and shredding of my faith You do exist but i hate you i whisper
i hate you i scream and i look up with clenched fists Defeated yet unwilling to yield my last card of hope i finally concede i am done and sink into inevitable surrender
i feel the cool wetness of mud on my closed eyes Mud wetted by your tears of grace i see you as you gently lift me to my feet and tenderly whisper
The weight of your struggles have not gone unnoticed or unfelt You have always matter from the very beginning You have been rejected by others but never by me
You are not an option or an inconveniece You are valued and you are worthy to me You were brought with the price of my own blood
i open my mud coated eyes and peer into your unrelenting gaze of love You grip my bowed shoulders with reassuring passion I will not let you go...I got you...I will not let you go
I am yours and you are mine Freed with the affirming and spoken words of truth I stand defiantly in the comfort of your embrace
When who i am is transformed to whose i am When where do i belong is revealed that i always belong to you When who will love me is acknowledged by me that i am already loved by you
I realize this morning that I have lost my friend and my lover. Not to death, although that would have been easier, but to drugs. My heart is heavy and conflicted. Tears fall noiselessly on my cheeks. My mind spins through my reels of memories both good and bad. When I last saw you, you kissed me and held me. I stroke your face and kissed your closed eyes as you lie asleep. I didn’t know then that would be our last moments together. I miss you like crazy but I know what silence from you means. Unanswered calls and texts mean you are at the altar of your god named addiction.
I can’t keep going down the rabbit hole and I can’t keep riding the crazy train. I am so damn sick and tired of being less than enough with you. I thought I was satisfied with your crumbs of affection but now I realize I was throwing my pearls of self in the mud that you carelessly trampled on like a selfish swine. You disappoint me greatly. I wish you could seeyourself as the LORD sees you—worthwhile and redeemable.
I want you who looked deeply in my soul and asked with all seriousness, “Do you like the way I make love to you?’ I want the one who stood proudly in the congregation as I became a member of the church that I now belong and gave me a bracelet with panels of crosses as a remembrance of that day. I want the one who drove with me in the sunset singing, Broken, by Seether featuring Amy Lee. I want the one who sent me a video of dogs performing Numb by Linkin Park after I kicked you out of my car because of a stupid argument over what was playing on the radio. I want you who I dedicated the song, Faithfully, by Journey during my first night of karaoke. But most of all, I want you as the best version of yourself—in recovery from both your addiction and mental illness. I love you and you will always have a special place in my heart.
The door of us is now softly closed by the LORD. I must stop lingering at that door in hopes that the door will open. Our paths have diverged and I must find the meaning, “I am yours and you are mine”, in my renewed relationship with the LORD. I must find “trust without borders” with the LORD and not you. We are both in the LORD’s grip of grace and that is all I need to know.
Yet we all bleed red and our souls are the same color
Why then do we separate ourselves in terms of color if the United States is the melting pot?
Why is my character determined by the color of my skin instead of my soul?
Why am I losing my family and friends because of racism, homicide, alcohol, drugs, disease, gender identity, and poverty?
Yet I am supposed to have hope and faith to bring forth my children safely in this new millennium.
Yet I am supposed to believe that what I teach my children about GOD, history, and life lessons passed down through the generations will be enough to keep them alive.
GOD, hear our prayers and heal our land.
Let faith in YOU draws us closer and bring forth healing for the broken places in our hearts.
Unite us as one so the weak become strong and the strong will lead us to YOU.
Embers of Resiliency 